Time vs. Hope.

Reading old things I've written in the multiple journals i have kept over the last few years is such a strange feeling. I keep having these moments where I'm just like "who are you, where are you, what day is it?". Time is something I feel like I have lost. It's always the same day, over and over again. The hand on the clock just circles itself over and over, not givinfg me a chance to feel a single moment of it.

Reading the old journals feels like I'm looking into someone elses life. Although it's the same person, it's a different day, a different set of eyes. Each page is so full of certainty, yet was still full of so many questions. It's always difficult to read your things that you had hoped for in the past because by now those hopes can be spoken for, or all together gone. Hope is like time, it can be so senseless. It can take you up to the sky, or bury you in the quicksand. But like time, hope is unstoppable, inevitable, and blind. Sometimes we travel fast, hurdling towards the unknown, sometimes the unknown comes hurdling towards us while we watch time standing still.

All I can do i can do is find a balance and keep my head up.



Until the next time, be true to yourself everything will work out in the end.

To Write Love On Her Arms.

I just wanted to take a second from writing about me to write about something a little more important.

There is an organization called "To Write Love on Her Arms" which has helped so many people get through life. Go to www.TWLOHA.com to read into the whole story, it's absolutely amazing.

They have help lines for self injury, depression, typical things teenagers (you and I alike) have gone through, are going through, will go through. TWLOHA has helped me through a lot, using music as a way of coping, being able to help friends out, and taking care of myself in better ways then I was.

Look into it, support it. TWLOHA is amazing, make sure to check out their booth at Warped this year too, thanks guys!

poker faces.

The past two weeks have been so fun. Catching up with people I haven't seen in a long time. I found my long lost twin sister, Emily, we're inseparable.

Last week I went to Busch Gardens with wonder twin, Branden & Austin which was fun. I rode The Griffin for the first time which was an experience.

Pretty much been partying with them every night, smoking a lot & drinking too much. You can tell summers here.

I started to really like someone, but naturally found out today I'm being fucked over, awesome. I'm using the best poker face I muster up, because I'm not losing a friend I've had for a year and a half because I want more. So here it is, I'm smiling, enjoy your new girlfriend, but tonight you'll still be out with me.

I hung out with Josh & Darrel today, I haven't seen Josh since October and Darrel since graduation. It's always nice seeing friendly familiar faces when you're feeling down.

To write love on her arms.

she's a lady, and ladies shouldn't be messed with.

Best weekend ever.

Sunday the hot topic at macarthur shut down for about an hour and forever the sickest kids did an acoustic show/meet and greet for 25 people. They were amazinggggggg.

We ended up being "friends" and they put us on a list to get in the show for free, which was awesome as hell.

We hung out with the guys outside and chain smoked while the matches were on.

Their live show was more than amazing. The Rocket Summer was really good also. Sonny, well I wasnt too impressed but he had mad shit go wrong with his set and stuck it out which I thought was really awesome of him. All Time Low, well I'm not really a fan, I think that their pretty arrogant and there music really isn't that fabulous.

but yeah over all that was like the best day/night of my lifeeee.


Caleb from FTSK!!

To Write Love On Her Arms.

Sometimes all I do is watch the sky.

It has been so nice out, I can't get over it. It's been a good week, work & school are going well, and I've been hanging out with some old friends =]
The only thing that sucks is today was Chris' last day at HCo. and he's moving back to Richmond Sunday. Lucky bitch.

I'm in such a good mood, I've decided to make a list of of 20 things I love. Ready? Set? Go!

1) Baking in the sun
2) Wearing skirts & flip flops.
3) Starbucks iced coffee in the mornings.
4) Having money.
5) Loud music
6) Deep conditioning my hair.
7) Cruzan rum (any kind.) with pineapple juice.
8) My job.
9) Something Corporate.
10) Singing in my car.
11) America's Next Top Model marathons.
12) Abercrombie & Fitch's button downs.
13) Unsweetened iced tea.
14) Richmond, VA
15) Taking ridiculous pictures.
16) My tattoos, and anyone elses tattoos.
17) Andrew McMahon
18) Adam Lazzara
19) New York City
20) BEACH SEASON.

Bunnies and Money.

Happy Easter!

Life has been the same. I'm making a cake thats the shape of a rabbit for my grandparents. My easter basket was money & candy I wont eat.

Friday night was fabulous. Jess, Caitlyn, Lindsey, and I went to a high school party and were the oldest ones there. We got completely shitty on wine & whiskey, which I found out turns me into an emotional drunk. We were the life of the party as always, and started up a loud ass game of "the fuck game". Everyone kept getting mad at us because all four of us would go in the bathroom at the same time, which turned into us screaming "OCCUPADO!!!, WERE CHANGING OUR TAMPONS!" fun as fuck.

Then I woke up in my bed with the worst hangover ever and worked 1-midnight.

What can I say? I love me some money.

Life is going good, and I am content.

Scream it like you mean it.

Hmm where to begin. I feel like I've been sick for ages now, I'm going on like two weeks. But I'm starting to feel better finally. Last Saturday I went up to Richmond with Chris and had alotttttt of fun. But hell, I always have fun with him.

I'm on spring break? woo that past 6 nights laying in bed with my best friend Nyquil have made for the best spring break ever. Kidding. But everyones home, and I'm so excited to see everybody! I have to work tomorrow, and wednesday, but after that its quality time with people that I miss way too much.

Last but not least, I got a new phone. So give me your numbers! My new one is 6206083 so call a bitch.

No strings attached.

Tonight was fantastic. I took Allie's shift and I'm so glad I did. We closed to *NSYNC's "No Strings Attached" cd. I sang and danced around the store like a complete idiot with Jamie, and yeah that was my night.

I think I'm getting sick, which sucks because my best friend in the entire world is coming home tomorrow and I can't wait to see him!!! I get off at 10 and I guess we're going to a lingerie party at Zachs? Leave it to Derek to throw one. AHH I can't freaking wait to see Sammmmmmm. Ok I'll stop talking about that now.

I'm also really excited for next weekend. My cousin and I are going to Richmond. I cant wait to wrap my mouth around some serious Chipotles. I could go for a milkshake from Crossroads too. I am going to gain 20 lbs next weekend, and for once I could care less.

I'm ready for bed. Later Gator.

Hollister No. 655

I'm in a really good mood right now, minus the fact I went to bed at 4:30 a.m. and had to be at work by 10a.m., I am awake at 1:41 a.m. and content. I feel really gay saying this, but I love my job. I've made amazing friends, and when I go there I seriously feel like I'm going home to family. Or maybe like I'm going back to high school, the drama some of the kids there have make me remember my days in high school and make me laugh. Ohhh longing for youth as usual. But hey, I'm still young as hell, I guess by "youth" I mean high school & all the bullshit and fun that went along with it.

I spent a ridiculous amount of money at abercrombie & hollister yet again today. Someone needs to stop me. Oh, I went to Starbucks three times today, the girl at the one downstairs by the food court knows what drink I get now. I may have to switch it up and throw her off tomorrow.

Andd finally! MY BABY SAM IS COMING HOME FROM GAYMOTHERFUCKING OHIOOOOOO friday, and I can't wait to see his face. I miss him alot alot alot. And I am going to get completely shitty this weekend. All weeked.


This was pointless, sorry if you read it expecting something exciting. PARTY ONNNNNNNNN.

Because before too long you'll be a memory.

Content. Richmond this weekend with my cousin, and I can not wait, this week needs to hurry up and be over.

No work today, exciting right? Wrong. I'm buried in homework. Oh the life a college student.

I want all of my friends back, so I am making the attempt to contact everyone and hope everyone doesn't hate me for the fact that I've stopped talking to most of them for months. My apologies to everyone.

I have so much to do today, yet I seem to be lacking the motivation to even move.

Work 10-3, then 5-10 tomorrow. Someone should come visit me.

these nights I get high just from breathing.

I hate tidewater community college. Fall Semester 2008 come quick, please.

I want to go to Richmond for the weekend, I need to escape from this hell hole. Don't get me wrong, I love the beach- but the beauty seems to be fading from each sunrise, I guess I'm just used to it.

I'm mentally exhausted, I never can sleep anymore. Between work, school, working out and barely eating my body is shutting down. I sleep until 1:00 everyday. God damn.

drop everything, start it all over.

I deleted all of my old blogs, because the memories i wanted to capture forever manage to replay frequently in my head, and unfortunately I do not need another reason for the film strip in my head to be stuck on replay.

I still can't comprehend. We were better than we had every been, and I was told that he was so alone without me. "You're all I have, why do you put up with me?" I still remember laying in his bed after he said that, no matter how bad I had hurt, it seemed worth it. I miss having that person to call me before I managed to get home after leaving his house to make sure I was alright. Although it has been a month, my heart continues to break, and silent tears seem to dance down my face when that film strip begins to play.

On top of this, I have picked up all of his worst characteristics. I used to be the one to encourage him to open up, to talk. Now I seem to be the one who is ignoring everyone close, pushing them away until they forget, which seems to be what I want. Its almost like I want to have everyone lose their hope in me, to just give up on me. All so I can come back and redeem myself. I guess I'm craving attention.

Apathy seems to be taking over.

I have been feeling so despondent, I continue to sabotoge myself anyway I can. I'm beginning to think that I don't want to be happy.


The damage from previous relationship has left me feeling like nothing is of importance anymore. I will continue to protect myself from myself until I can learn to trust not only others, but myself and my emotions. Unfortunately this is nearly impossible because my emotions have gone on vacation, or maybe just ran away. Where ever they went, I wish they would have taken me with them.