I deleted all of my old blogs, because the memories i wanted to capture forever manage to replay frequently in my head, and unfortunately I do not need another reason for the film strip in my head to be stuck on replay.
I still can't comprehend. We were better than we had every been, and I was told that he was so alone without me. "You're all I have, why do you put up with me?" I still remember laying in his bed after he said that, no matter how bad I had hurt, it seemed worth it. I miss having that person to call me before I managed to get home after leaving his house to make sure I was alright. Although it has been a month, my heart continues to break, and silent tears seem to dance down my face when that film strip begins to play.
On top of this, I have picked up all of his worst characteristics. I used to be the one to encourage him to open up, to talk. Now I seem to be the one who is ignoring everyone close, pushing them away until they forget, which seems to be what I want. Its almost like I want to have everyone lose their hope in me, to just give up on me. All so I can come back and redeem myself. I guess I'm craving attention.
Apathy seems to be taking over.
I have been feeling so despondent, I continue to sabotoge myself anyway I can. I'm beginning to think that I don't want to be happy.
The damage from previous relationship has left me feeling like nothing is of importance anymore. I will continue to protect myself from myself until I can learn to trust not only others, but myself and my emotions. Unfortunately this is nearly impossible because my emotions have gone on vacation, or maybe just ran away. Where ever they went, I wish they would have taken me with them.
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